Grief-Hazed Memories

Grief is weird.

I have memories from October 10, 2019 and the days surrounding it... but they're hazy.

My brother passed away on October 10, 2019.

I remember talking to my principal on the phone. I remember sobbing. I remember saying, "Pip is dying. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I won't have a brother anymore." And I remember Beth responding, "You will always have a brother." But was that on the evening of the 9th or the 10th?

I remember finishing The Girl on the Train and appreciating the plot because it kept my mind off of what I was actually living through... but did I finish that novel on the morning of the 10th or the 11th?

I remember going to Bantam Coffee Roasters and ordering three lattes -- two hazelnut and one caramel -- and taking them to my parents' house. And I remember that when the barista asked why I wasn't in school and I told her that Pip had passed away, she refused my money and gifted the lattes to me free of charge. Was that on the 10th or the 11th?

I remember spending an afternoon with some of my closest friends, drinking wine and remembering Pip. Biz showed up with a can of beef stew. Kathy was there. Buddy came and I can vividly recall her saying to me, "Buddy, you have a really unique ability to take the worst situations and find good in them." But did we gather on the afternoon of the 10th or the 11th?

The memories tumble and swirl through my brain. They intersect and pull apart and I guess it's because that period of time in my life was just... heavy. It was so heavy.

Today is heavy. I usually take off on October 10th to spend time with my mom... but I was at a conference yesterday and missed school, and the students only had a half-day today, so I powered through the morning and came home a little before noon. And honestly? The morning was fine. The class periods flew by and the kids were excited about their long weekend and it was good to be there. But as soon as the students left, my mood shifted, and on the ride home, I was bombarded by so many grief-hazed memories.

So now I'd like to focus on a good memory: Beef stew.

I haven't eaten red meat since I was in junior high. "So why did your friend Biz show up with a can of beef stew?" you're possibly wondering. "How was beef stew meant to cheer you up?"

It all goes back to a game of Taboo! played in the basement of our house at Lake Heritage. Pip was there with Matt and Milty... and probably Craig and Preston and Charles as well. They were playing Taboo!, so Biz and I asked if we could play too. And play we did! I feel confident in saying that what occurred that evening was likely the greatest highlight from all of Taboo! history and the whole scene played out like this:

Hannah: [pulling a card and preparing to describe BEEF STEW without using the words BEEF, STEW, SOUP, MEAT, CARROTS, POTATOES, or ONION] Oh! You put things in it!

Biz: Beef stew!

And that was that. Taboo! history was made that day. The boys were positively in awe of our nearly-telepathic communication (as they should have been) and Biz and I reigned supreme. And all these years later, that memory is still a really good one.

Tonight, I will go to my parents' house and spend time with my mom and we will remember so many other wonderful things about Pip and it will be a good (but heavy) evening.

I miss my brother every day, but I miss him extra-hard on the anniversaries.